1. A Dozen Red Roses – they turned black freakishly fast…much like the relationship.

2. A Chocolate Rose – that tasted more like wax sprayed with Raid…barf

3. A Small, Green Pocketknife- from an industrious yet thrifty ex-bf.

4. Nothing.

5. Nothing and a shrug.

6. Nothing and indignation.

7. A flannel pajama nightgown with red hearts and two pandas on the telephone, with the words “I Just Called To Say I Love You” on them – from my mom, natch.

8. A roll of Certs breath mints – in the mail, from my aunt…who lives in South Carolina. Should I be taking a hint?

9. A vibrator. From an ex-boyfriend. A lazy ex-boyfriend. Nothing really more to say here.

10. A beautiful bouquet of flowers waiting for me in my lonely hotel room with a card that read: “Please let this be the last Valentine’s Day we’re apart.”

It wasn’t.