Runny nose? Check. Achy muscles? Sadly, yes. Cotton-stuffed head feeling? Body like MAC Truck roadkill? Going through Kleenex like a weepy Oprah guest? Check, check, and checkmate.

Guess what? You’ve got the Gross Winter Cold Everyone At Your Office Has! But that doesn’t mean you can’t pass the time you’re laid up by being super productive. Cold productive. COLDUCTIVE.

Here are 5 easy, entertaining, bang-up things to do while you’re struck down with this snot-filled pestilence:

1. Glitz It UP.

Put on every piece of jewelry you own. At the same time. Feel like hard-core rapper or your great Aunt Gerty (without the purse lined with plastic that she took to all those buffets when you were growing up). Marvel at your sparkliness. Take many photos. Do not post on social media until after you are well, in case you need another sick day tomorrow and your boss doesn’t understand the benefits of “putting a ring [and bracelet and choker from the 1990s] on it.” Now say BLING!


2. Do Your Spring Cleaning. On Facebook.

We all have those “courtesy friends” we follow, people from high school, from a job we no longer have, distant relatives, etc. And then there’s that whole dirty sub-genus of FB friends: your friend’s exes. Why are we still following any these people? Do we care about their trips to Florida or the fact that one of them “got crunk” [are people still doing that?] on Valentine’s Day?

Here’s the deal, while it’s a bit cruel and a lot over the top to defriend these fools, no one said you can’t UNFOLLOW them. Hit the little arrow on the top right corner of any of their latest inane status update, and then hit “Hide.” It will then give you a short menu, and you choose “Change What Updates You Get From [insert name of poor fool here].” Hit that.

It will give you a drop down menu of WHAT exactly you want to hide. Scroll all the way down the list to “Unfollow.” Boom! No more photos of the children your high school boyfriend’s wife keeps popping out at an alarming rate!


3. Learn Japanese. Sort Of.

Yes, everyone knows that sick days are the best time to catch up on all of those deliciously weird 80’s and 90’s movies you’d never watch if there wasn’t snot pouring out your nose and enough Dayquil to kill an Oompa Loompa coursing through your veins. But take a few minutes away from CLUE (far and away the best Sick Day Movie) and scroll on up your channels. Get to one where everyone is speaking a language you don’t recognize. Stop. THEN – watch it for a bit. This works the best during a Spanish telenovela or whatever the Japanese equivalent of these gems is. Now start speaking aloud (your dog won’t mind, I promise) and making up your OWN lines, based on the facial expressions and ensuing over the top hand gestures of the speakers. Feel what they feel. Guess what? You speak Japanese now! Konnichiwa!


4. Play Top Chef “Quickfire” in Your Kitchen.

Now I know you’re sick, much like I am, and that means low energy. But you have to keep yourself well hydrated and well fed. “But,” you whine through your stuffed nose. “I have NO food in my house.” Guess what? You have a delicious cornucopia of taste sensations just WAITING to be tossed together in your fridge. Set a timer for 30 minutes, channel the haughty disdain of Padma Lakshmi, and say to yourself, “Self, your time begins…NOW.”

Quick! You have 30 minutes to cobble together some sort of meal based on the meager offerings of your cupboards. But don’t fear! Have only a medium-old loaf of bread, a can of tuna, some dried cranberries, and some coconut milk? Welcome to “Creamy & Fruity Tuna Salad on Toast Points.” Chef Tom gives it two thumbs up. You’re IN the finale!


5. Teach Your Pet to Play Nicely With Others.

Especially endangered sea creatures. Each pet is a different kind of learner (visual/audio/kinetic). I, for instance, find that my dog retains much more of the lesson when he makes contact with the subject, classifying him as a kinetic learner.


Done with all of these things and still have some time to spare? Gchat with those fools at work, and make sure to really rub it in that you’re at home. Send a funny card to one of your friends…just because. Sit still and chant the lyrics to your favorite Enya song for at least 8 minutes. Then get up, stretch, and put some Vaseline on that raw, red top lip of yours that has been in contract too many Kleenexes today.

After all, you’ve gotta be in public tomorrow.